My recent struggles with Motherhood…

Danny has asked me for a few weeks why I haven’t written? Well, “if you don’t have anything nice to say…”

You can go back and read my early blog posts about motherhood, they all have nothing but happiness and gratitude within.

I am going to tell you that the last few weeks have not been fun – they have been very hard for me.

Along the coast of Northern California.
Along the coast of Northern California.

My escape was always thinking about what life was like before the children came along (pooping and vomiting on everything).

College – oh I loved college – my worries were whether or not I studied enough for an exam or whether my team would win the football game – heavy stuff guys.

Go Golden Hurricanes!
Go Golden Hurricanes!

Traveling was much easier – there was one bag – not five – and I didn’t have to haul any extra seats or strollers around or strap any tiny humans to my chest. Hopefully not any crying (pooping or vomiting) tiny humans to my chest.

Oregon coast - Cannon beach with my youngest sister.
Oregon coast – Cannon beach with my youngest sister. Goonies forever!!!

Time spent with family for reunions and weddings were much more simple.  I didn’t have to worry if my child was in danger or eating to much junk food (potentially going to stay up all night with a sugar high).

That's me and my chubby cheeks in the background laughing with Dad.
That’s me and my chubby cheeks in the background laughing with Dad. My Dad’s parents and older sister at family wedding. It was a great family party!! Nana was born in the UK, so we are totally a legit clan.

I could sit and enjoy a quite afternoon with my grandparents.

I lived with these grandparents for five and a half years during undergrad. So, they are kinda like parents.
I lived with these grandparents for five and a half years during undergrad. So, they are kinda like parents.

It’s been months, MONTHS! since I’ve been to the Temple. Something I used to do once or twice a week – now almost never happens.  I really look forward to having more time there again.

April 7th, 2009 I received my Endowment and went every week for years!! Until, I couldn't.
April 7th, 2009 I received my Endowment and went every week for years!! Until, I couldn’t. I still have that dress…I’ll wear it again when the baby factory shuts down for awhile.

My husband is aware of my princess complex – that thing where I like people to do everything for me? Okay, but really, I loved having someone around who could do my hair for me…does my hair ever get done now? nope. Unless you count a bun or a pony tail.

My sister doing my hair.
My sister doing my hair.

I rarely leave the house (because it takes lots of bags and effort) with two small children – throw in I’m pregnant too – and you have, “I would rather lay here and read…”

Confession, I'd still let her brush my hair if she was around. Yeah, she used to brush my hair. Yep.
Confession, I’d still let her brush my hair if she was around. Yeah, she used to brush my hair for me (because I love it!!!). Yep.  Also pictured is my baby brother – who turns 16 this year!

So the long outdoor adventures have been replaced by long days in my house wearing pajamas.

Do I make time for silliness these days? yes, I do, but again it all occurs right here at home, in my pajamas.

There was a time I was the person in our extended family that was called upon to house sit and watch kids.

That one time I house sat my Aunt and Uncle's house and stayed with the girls...and we fought Saturday boredom with dress up. I believe my name was 'Phyllis Moneybags.'
That one time I house sat my Aunt and Uncle’s house and stayed with the girls…and we fought Saturday boredom with dress up. I believe my name was, ‘Phyllis Moneybags.’ After we got dressed up, we drove to Walgreens. Just because.

The only kids I was responsible for were the kind I could hug and kiss…then leave after a nice visit, to return home to the quiet serenity of my clean living space.

My nieces and I - The niece on the far left turns ten this year!
My nieces and I – The niece on the far left turns ten this year!

In pictures, it looks like my life was a constant party or adventure and in a way, it was.

Party time - excellent! Pictured with my older brother and baby sister.
Party time – excellent! Pictured with my older brother and baby sister.

But after a lot of time thinking about what my life used to be like, I remembered the emptiness it still held.

Kayaking in San Diego bay.
Kayaking in San Diego bay.

I don’t feel that emptiness anymore – I feel tired, overwhelmed, busy, but not empty – I am free of the longing to fill my emptiness.

My husband and children complete me in a way that brings me the greatest ups and downs that life can bring.

Bay Area, California - right before I got sick and found out I was pregnant.
Bay Area, California – right before I got sick and found out I was pregnant with child number one..

My sweet moments are so much sweeter, because of the hard things I endure.  I sacrifice so much for these kids and the return is so much greater than a short trip or long hike in the mountains.

Kids grow up and my quiet time will return, so I’m still learning to embrace the chaos for now.  Because life moves so fast and I don’t want to miss the happiness of the present.

2 thoughts on “My recent struggles with Motherhood…

  1. What a great one. I remember being a part of those times. I also remeber our long conversations about fufillment and happiness. For some goly can bring that for others purpose and passion come in other ways in different ways throughout our lives. But working hard at something that matters to you is almost always the way to fufillment. As I am finding out now. Living with purpose is never easy but totally worth it. I love you deeply Katie. Keep striving and keep writing.

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