Danny has asked me for a few weeks why I haven’t written? Well, “if you don’t have anything nice to say…”
You can go back and read my early blog posts about motherhood, they all have nothing but happiness and gratitude within.
I am going to tell you that the last few weeks have not been fun – they have been very hard for me.
My escape was always thinking about what life was like before the children came along (pooping and vomiting on everything).
College – oh I loved college – my worries were whether or not I studied enough for an exam or whether my team would win the football game – heavy stuff guys.
Traveling was much easier – there was one bag – not five – and I didn’t have to haul any extra seats or strollers around or strap any tiny humans to my chest. Hopefully not any crying (pooping or vomiting) tiny humans to my chest.
Time spent with family for reunions and weddings were much more simple. I didn’t have to worry if my child was in danger or eating to much junk food (potentially going to stay up all night with a sugar high).
I could sit and enjoy a quite afternoon with my grandparents.
It’s been months, MONTHS! since I’ve been to the Temple. Something I used to do once or twice a week – now almost never happens. I really look forward to having more time there again.
My husband is aware of my princess complex – that thing where I like people to do everything for me? Okay, but really, I loved having someone around who could do my hair for me…does my hair ever get done now? nope. Unless you count a bun or a pony tail.
I rarely leave the house (because it takes lots of bags and effort) with two small children – throw in I’m pregnant too – and you have, “I would rather lay here and read…”
So the long outdoor adventures have been replaced by long days in my house wearing pajamas.
Do I make time for silliness these days? yes, I do, but again it all occurs right here at home, in my pajamas.
There was a time I was the person in our extended family that was called upon to house sit and watch kids.
The only kids I was responsible for were the kind I could hug and kiss…then leave after a nice visit, to return home to the quiet serenity of my clean living space.
In pictures, it looks like my life was a constant party or adventure and in a way, it was.
But after a lot of time thinking about what my life used to be like, I remembered the emptiness it still held.
I don’t feel that emptiness anymore – I feel tired, overwhelmed, busy, but not empty – I am free of the longing to fill my emptiness.
My husband and children complete me in a way that brings me the greatest ups and downs that life can bring.
My sweet moments are so much sweeter, because of the hard things I endure. I sacrifice so much for these kids and the return is so much greater than a short trip or long hike in the mountains.
Kids grow up and my quiet time will return, so I’m still learning to embrace the chaos for now. Because life moves so fast and I don’t want to miss the happiness of the present.